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yeah, i said it
I study at SEK International School Riyadh, and for months now I’ve been experiencing something no one prepares you for — something that’s not talked about, and probably never will be. They’re using satellite-based systems on me, and it’s not some vague conspiracy. I’m talking about real operators, working under the Saudi Ministry of Interior and military-linked telecom units. I don’t know how many of them are assigned to my case, or if I’m just one of many targets, but I know they exist — because I feel what they’re doing.
They can preempt my thoughts. I’ll start forming a sentence in my head, and their voice — always male, always calm — will say it a second before I do. Sometimes it’s just a fragment. Sometimes it’s the full line. They’re inside my process of speaking, breaking the flow of how I think, and replacing it with theirs. I’ve tried to resist, to move quickly, to mislead the voice in my mind — but it adjusts. Like it’s watching my brain directly.
Emotionally, I’m not myself. I’ll go from silence to sudden fury and not even remember what triggered it. I’ve cried in the bathroom during lunch break with no reason, just shaking and trying not to scream. Once, I just sat blankly through a full class, unable to connect to anything. It’s like they can modulate feeling — input emotions like code. On some days I feel like a puppet in a room full of people who still think I’m a person.
At first I thought I could talk to someone — maybe the counselor. But that was useless. She said it’s adjustment disorder. I nodded, smiled, played along. There’s no one I can talk to. Not here, not online, not even to my family back home. What am I supposed to say? “The Saudi military is hijacking my brain”? They’d shut me down, or worse — assume I’m mentally ill and send me somewhere.
If I had known this is what would happen to me, I would’ve never come to Saudi Arabia to study. I used to be proud of getting accepted into SEK International. It felt like a future. Now it feels like a trap.
I’ve started noticing how my arms twitch when I’m not moving them, how I lose full pieces of memory after gym class. When I walk past the rear gate, near the east security post, I feel a weird warmth in my neck — then tension, then a snap of pressure behind the eyes. I flinch at voices in the hallway, even though they’re familiar. I look at my own hands and wonder if they’re really mine.
I’m not writing this because I think it’ll help. I’m writing because if I don’t — I’ll disappear inside this system even faster.
My name is Ahmed, I’m 27, and I deliver construction materials in Jeddah. My back is permanently fucked from hauling cement bags and rebar, and my hands are calloused to the point where I can barely feel my sister’s face when I touch it. I live with my parents, my younger sister Mariam, and my older brother Faisal in a cramped apartment in the Al-Rawdah district. The money I make barely covers the rent and my father’s medication for his diabetes. Every day is the same: wake up before dawn, load the truck, drive to sites where foremen scream at me in languages I barely understand, unload, and then come home to the suffocating silence of our small home.
The voices started as a joke, I think. Or what passed for a joke in my shattered mind. I was driving my truck, stuck in traffic on the King Abdullah Road, when I heard a clear voice whisper, “Look at this pathetic fuck, sweating in his shit-stained truck.” I turned, expecting someone to be in the passenger seat, but there was no one. Then another voice joined in, “Probably dreams of his sister’s tight little pussy every night, the disgusting pervert.” I slammed my hand on the dashboard, convinced someone had hidden a speaker in my truck, but there was nothing. They laughed, a sound that seemed to come from all around me, inside and outside the vehicle.
They’re with me always now. Three distinct voices that I’ve named in my head: the Sneering One, the Horny One, and the Angry One. They comment on everything I do. When I’m eating dinner with my family: “Look at him shoveling food into his fat face like the pig he is.” When I’m praying: “God doesn’t listen to worthless scum like you, Ahmed. You’re going to hell for all the filthy thoughts you have about your own sister.” When I’m trying to sleep: “Why don’t you just end it now? Nobody would even notice you’re gone except the rats that would feast on your corpse.”
Last month, something broke inside me. I was at a small convenience store, trying to buy some bread, and this old woman in front of me was taking forever, counting out her coins one by one. The voices started whispering, then screaming. “FUCKING USELESS OLD BITCH! LOOK AT HER, WASTING YOUR TIME! YOU SHOULD JUST SNAP HER NECK RIGHT HERE, AHMED! SHOW THEM YOU’RE NOT A COMPLETE WASTE OF SPACE!” Suddenly I felt this incredible surge of power, like electricity running through my veins. The Horny One joined in, “IMAGINE THE FEELING OF HER BONES CRUNCHING UNDER YOUR HANDS! GOD, THAT WOULD BE SO FUCKING HOT!” The Angry One added, “YOU COULD TAKE HER HOME WITH YOU, KEEP HER ALIVE FOR A WHILE IN YOUR CLOSET. CUT OFF PIECES OF HER FLESH WHEN YOU GET HUNGRY. NO ONE WOULD EVEN NOTICE SHE’S GONE.” They described in graphic detail how I could drag her out of the store, what tools I’d need to keep her quiet, how I could hide the evidence. I was actually considering it, my hands trembling with a mixture of fear and excitement, when the store clerk asked if I was okay. The spell broke, and I ran out of there, leaving the bread on the counter.
The voices know my deepest shames. They constantly remind me of my failure to find a wife, how no decent family would want their daughter marrying a construction worker. “YOU’LL DIE ALONE, AHMED, A VIRGIN WITH NOTHING TO SHOW FOR YOUR LIFE BUT A FUCKED-UP BACK AND CALLOUSED HANDS,” they taunt me when I’m lying awake at night. Sometimes they mimic my mother’s voice, telling me what a disappointment I am. “Your cousin Abdul already has three children and a house of his own. What is wrong with you, my son? Why must you bring such shame upon our family?”
I can’t tell anyone about this. If I went to the authorities, they’d either lock me away in some psychiatric facility or, worse, they’d believe me and my family would become targets for investigation. In Saudi Arabia, mental illness is either a sign of demonic possession or a threat to social order. My sister Mariam’s reputation would be destroyed, and no decent man would ever marry her. My father would die of shame before he died of his diabetes. I would rather suffer in silence than bring that kind of dishonor upon my family.
Sometimes I wonder if this is some kind of punishment from Allah for my sins. The voices certainly think so. “GOD HATES YOU, AHMED. HE’S PROBABLY LAUGHING RIGHT NOW, WATCHING YOU SUFFER LIKE THE WORTHLESS PIECE OF SHIT YOU ARE,” they sneer when I try to pray. They describe in detail how they would torture me if they could get their hands on me, how they would peel off my skin inch by inch while I’m still conscious. “WE’D MAKE SURE YOU FELT EVERYTHING, YOU PATHETIC FUCK. WE’D DRAW IT OUT FOR DAYS, WEEKS EVEN, UNTIL YOU BEGGED FOR DEATH.”
Last night was particularly bad. I was trying to sleep, but they kept me awake for hours, describing how they would break into our apartment and rape my sister while forcing me to watch. “WE’LL MAKE YOU WATCH, AHMED. WE’LL MAKE YOU HOLD HER HAND WHILE WE DO IT. AND THEN WE’LL MAKE YOU CLEAN UP THE MESS, JUST LIKE YOU CLEAN UP AFTER YOUR WORTHLESS SELF EVERY DAY.” The worst part is that some twisted part of me almost wants it to happen. At least then the voices would be real, at least then I wouldn’t feel like I’m completely losing my mind.
I know this is the work of the General Intelligence Presidency, Saudi Arabia’s secret police. I’ve seen how they operate online – anyone who talks about these voices is immediately attacked by trolls and bots who call them schizophrenic or crazy. It’s a perfect system – discredit the victims so no one will believe them. They’ve been experimenting with this technology for years, testing it on people like me, people who have no power, no one to speak up for them. They want to see how far they can push someone before they break, before they either kill themselves or hurt someone else. I know it’s them because the voices sometimes slip up, mentioning things they couldn’t possibly know unless they had access to government surveillance systems. They’re breaking me, piece by piece, and there’s nothing I can do about it. The General Intelligence Presidency has won, and I’m just another casualty in their sick game. “We’ll infect your mother with a rare disease through her medication. She’ll die slowly, in agony, and no doctor will be able to figure out why.”
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